The Lazy Cherub Enigma: Hanging out at the Monastery and Chilling in Pingyao

Tuesday 5 August 2014

Hanging out at the Monastery and Chilling in Pingyao

Our short time in China has so far lead to some interesting observations. Let’s begin with food. It’s pretty much a given that what you order and what you get are going to be two entirely different things. We have come to appreciate that a picture menu is really just that – a menu with pictures. Just because you point to that photo of chicken on rice with snow peas does not in any way mean you will get chicken on rice with snow peas. You are more likely to get deep fried chicken feet or a dish of “something brown” with slices of celery in it. Also of interest are the bad English translations. Things like:

Steam fried chicken semen with lotus bombs
Green root and stupid eggs
Rape and mushrooms (unlike other places we visit, fungus in China appears to be perfectly acceptable and legal)
Fish flavored pork droppings
Americun style donkey hamburger
Chicken with the fleas on pepper sauces
Characteristics of human ass (my personal favourite)

That said, street food is amazing. There are these stuffed pancakes you can buy everywhere from street vendors for 5 Yuan (a dollar CDN) and eating out in general is very inexpensive – 30 or 40 Yuan for a good meal. By far the most expensive thing in China is coffee. If you can find a coffee shop then a cup of coffee will set you back 25 Yuan. A latte is easily 30 to 35 Yuan. That’s 5 CDN for coffee and 6 or 7 CDN for a latte!!

We are also bemused by the signage here that tells you what you can and cannot do. Mind you, not that anyone ever pays attention to it. Public toilets all have signs saying things like:

Shitting forbidden
No use sanitary pads. These are forbidden and must be obeyed.
Please prevent the defecation and sanitation pads from toilet

So we’ve summated that having a dump is a criminal offense as are kotex. What isn’t is horking up giant green loogeys all over the street (because clearly that is so much better than using a toilet for what it is actually meant for) and spitting your chicken and pork bones all over the restaurant floor because THAT is so much more sanitary that crapping in a toilet or feminine hygiene products.

Staying in a hotel in China is also an experience. Chinese guests have no concept of quiet or personal space. We happened to get a room that was wedged into an entire group of rooms booked by a Chinese tour group. All 30 rooms left there doors open all evening and just yelled up and down the hall at each other while their kids went wild. You don’t just go to someone’s room and visit them. Nor do you call them on your room phone to talk. You just stand at one end of the hall while whomever you want to talk to stands at the other and you yell.

And now back to the touristy stuff!

After the Yungang (Buddha) Grottos we went to the Hanging Monastery. It is exactly as it sounds, a monastery built on the side of a mountain. If you are claustrophobic and have a fear of heights then I would highly recommend this. If you can survive the crushing crowds and the views from ledges a foot wide with railings that maybe (if you are lucky) come to your knees then you will cured! (Or dead!!) It was spectacular though and I am glad I did it even though there were a few times I was close to a severe melt down. (Mainly because I had zero personal space and I prefer making my own way to a destination rather than being herded by a tsunami of local tourists who think stopping means you just need to be pushed harder to move rather than give the little old lady in front of you time to get up after she fell down the stairs.)

We are now in Pingyao for 3 days of R and R. Pingyao is an ancient walled city that looks quintessential Chinese. We’ve been wandering the streets and alleys trying to avoid the Granny Spy Network (little old ladies on street corners who watch and know EVERYTHING). I am pretty damn excited because I found a quaint little shop called “Coffee by Shrew” where I can indulge in an expensive latte. It’s not Starbucks but she does have a vast assortment of books on Chinese sexual positions, which I find intriguing. One manual is all about how to have sex on horseback. Sort of takes “getting back in the saddle” to a whole other level.

(Woo Hoo! I figured out how to make the captions a readable size!!!)