The Lazy Cherub Enigma: Terracotta Warriors and Wal-Mart

Ken: “Can you write “Please take me to the South Gate” so I can get a taxi?”

Reception: “Yes. You must use map in your room.”

Ken: “We don’t have a map in our room.”

Reception: “Yes.”

Ken: “Can you write “Please take me to South Gate” so we can get a taxi”

Reception: “You must use map in room.”

Ken: “No we do not have a map. Can your write down “South Gate” in Chinese so we can get a taxi.”

Reception: “Yes. You must use your map. “

Ken <frantically trying to recall his vague childhood memories of written Chinese language> “Ok. So is this the character for “Gate”?

Reception: “I cannot write down. I have no memories. You must use map in room.”

Ken: “So you speak Mandarin as well as English but you don’t know how to write in Chinese the words “South Gate” so we can get a taxi?”

Reception: “Please use map in room.”

And so begins the next phase of the journey – Xi’an, home of the terracotta warriors and the official start of the Silk Road.

Let’s begin with the important info. STARBUCKS IS HERE. And not just any Starbucks, it is the one considered THE most architecturally unique of all the Starbucks in the known universe. Naturally, is was a given that our time here would begin with me getting a much needed latte and where I would get my first real exposure to the cosmopolitan friendliness that permeates this city. We shared a table with a Chinese Muslim lady who insisted Diane (another group member) and I accept her gifts of two small rings. She was clad in bright scarves and harem pants – exactly how I plan to dress as I age into gypsyhood. Next stop: The Muslim Quarter. This is where it all happens. As soon as the sun sets this section of the city comes alive. Neon signs, the smell of spice and honey mixed with wet pavement. Smoke from kebab grills fills the streets and your lungs. That night it was pouring rain and the narrow alleys were packed with colorful umbrellas propelled by hungry humans. It was a scene straight out of Bladerunner. It was chaos mutating into ecstasy. The only thing missing was a camel laden with treasures plodding it’s way through the throngs. That had been replaced by rickshaws, mopeds and the occasional self righteous Range Rover owner who was determined to get his car down a pedestrian only walk way.

The next day had us visiting the Terracotta Warriors. There are three “hangars” of statues that have been excavated and there vastness is only a tiny fraction of what is believed to still remain unearthed. Our guide explained that the Emperor – Qin Shi Huang - was very progressive in his use of terracotta warriors and horses. Previous emperors just had their army, wives, and horses buried alive with them to keep them company in the next life. Thank god for pottery is all I can say.

Another must do while here is biking the entire perimeter of the city wall. Fifteen kilometers of what I like to call the “Xi’an Roubaix” which to keep with our theme of “discomfort due to global warming” we rode in the blazing mid day sun. The great thing about the wall is there are hardly any people on it as it costs around $10 CDN to access. That is like paying $70 for the average person in China. That said, the entry fee does ensure you have the best public toilets in the entire country.

And what visit to Xi’an would not be complete without a haircut and a visit to Wal-Mart? Yes, we added those as well to our tourist trek. First up was Wal-Mart, which Richard claims only sells items made in the USA and its employees are all illegal American immigrants. We only made it to the grocery section, which I have to say, was pretty dam impressive. Their meat section sold live frogs, turtles and a vast assortment of fish swimming in tanks. The selling of said animals was not what impressed me. It was the humungous produce section that had EVERY fruit and vegetable known to mankind. After that it was back to the Muslim Quarter to the Barber and Beauty Alley where Ken got a shampoo/head massage (TWICE!) and a hair cut for $2 CDN. With those kind of savings we splurged on a rickshaw ride back to the hotel – and another latte from Starbucks.

I need to give credit where credit is due - the photos for all blog postings are done by Ken - except the ones of Ken. (He's not THAT talented. LOL!) I am shit as a photographer - I take 6 a day and one a week of mine are good. My skill is in editing, creative processing and obscure blog writing. And locating Starbucks.