The Lazy Cherub Enigma: Bishkek - Land of the Priceless Latte

Once upon a time, weary traveller in desperate need of good conversation and caffeine decided to embark on a quest for the most expensive latte ever. It didn’t start out as that kind of quest. Like all good quests, it began with a simple intent: coffee and frivolity – neither of which needed to be expensive. But quests have a way of taking on a life of their own and soon our adventuress was in way over her head…

It all began in a town called Karakol. A sleepy mountain village with one large Viper Russian Disco and shopping mall made out of discarded shipping containers. Laid up with the flu, our protagonist finds herself in bed watching Mark Wahlberg and Denzel Washington in “2 Guns” and thinks: “This has to be the most sexist violent piece of s**t ever produced. Caligula wasn’t even this bad!” (But of course how could it be – Helen “Silver Fox” Mirren was in that one) But I digress…

So the next morning the weary (but somewhat rested) Adventuress embarks on her mission – A LATTE. She recalled that while cruising the Viper Den, there did appear to be a coffee shop and this was hopefully going to make up for missing 2 days in the hot springs and instead enduring 3 German brats high on sugar barging into her room all day and all night. And no wonder, breakfast at the B & B was Frosted Flakes, cake, and a vast assortment of tea biscuits slathered in jam. BUT NO COFFEE!!

Karakol did possess a latte-making device and in that moment, the Adventuress felt certain her quest had been met. But soon the Evil Metal Monster would return and she would have to ride that beast to places unknown and without lattes. Dread and despair fell about the town and a ferocious thunderstorm smashed open the sky. The next morning the Metal Monster awakened and the heavens wept in fear and agony.

Just as soon as she had found peace, the Adventuress was robbed of it. Forced into the bowels of the Metal Monster she watched Karakol slip away into the distance. Where she was going she did not know. Some spoke of a Lake. Others simple sat catatonic in their seats. The Adventuress looked around her. A few faithful remained – There was Obi Wan KENobi, her faithful guardian. St. Rutger – savior of all things rodent. Sir Richard, the AleHeart (and Liver) and Lady Diane of the House Fartybumblast. Perhaps imprisonment in the Metal Monster wouldn’t be all that bad..

Eventually the Metal Monster stopped trying to kill other smaller metal monsters on the road and drove itself into a protected sanctuary called Issuk Kul. Here the Metal Monster could get water, bathe in the icy waters to harden its resolve, and feed its minions. Obi Wan KENobi checked for Ewoks but only found a lone Rebel Fighter AWOL on a rather handsome stallion. St. Rutger attempted to befriend a kindly local over another game of non-violent footie. That all came to naught when he kicked the ball into a thorn bush, killed it (the ball) and caused Said to have a complete emotional breakdown. Meanwhile Sir Richard, the Aleheart (and Liver), took on the brave task of keeping the Metal Monster at bay by indulging his pyromaniac tendencies and setting fire to anything that would burn. Soon there was a bonfire large enough to imolate 47 monks and Sir Richard, triggered by the flames, begins a bombastic tirade about the time he defeated the Flaming Pork Fat Succubus of Tasmania that only managed to engulf one hand. Enter Lady Diane with ale for all, which she promptly spills all over the ground. Sir Richard is not amused and our Adventuress realizes that a latte is now the least of her worries…

The next morning the Metal Monster required feeding and desperate to do ANYTHING to get a latte, our intrepid heroine begins the task of fueling the minions. Obi KENwanobi captures it all for the Jedi Newsletter and Lady Diane tells Sir Richard to go F***himself when he starts getting OCD over how the prisoners tents should and shouldn’t be packed. (Sir Richard is often delusional and through out the quest, he often believes – wrongly – the he is the true son and heir of the Metal Monster.)

Forced back into the Metal Monster, the Adventuress and her band of renegades endure another day of hell on wheels. As evening approaches, Said – St. Rutgers’s trusty tent companion and ball buddy – leaps up and exclaims, “I know this place! It is Bishkek! We are coming to the place of my father and his father before him! The Metal Monster must stop here and pay tribute! “ YIPPEEE!!!, thinks the Adventuress. This means a chance to break free from questing and perhaps just settle for a latte since meaningful conversation is strictly forbidden by all enslaved by the Metal Monster.

While the Metal Monster is distracted by the swimming pool, Pole Dancing School and vast assortment of rough trade Ladas down the street, The Adventuress, Obi Wan KEN Obi, Sir Richard, Lady Diane, St. Rutger of Rodentia, Said the Merry Maker and a vast assortment of minions make a break for Azura – the place where expensive food is sold but you can only eat it cold and only after you have waited a minimum of two hours to have it served. For it is here at Azura that one’s resolve is truly tested and the boys are separated from the men. Sir Richard and Lady Diane succumbed to ale while St. Rutger stares at his salad attempting to emulate Jesus’s loaves and fishes miracle for the hungry minions. No loaves ever arrived. .. Said had long since ditched the group by using family connections to buy his way out of the Azura Hunger Games.

As the full moon reached its crescendo – and Sir Richard had reached his limits of politeness – the Adventuress and her rag tag group think it would be wise to “walk it off” and seek out some magical ice cream for her Ladyship of FartyBumblastia. Obi Wan KENObi peels off the group after a few blocks leaving the Adventuress with no guardian and a mere 500 Soms in the event there is a police shake down. “I will protect your alms!!” exclaims Lady Diane and she offers up her pocket of extreme protection. This seems like a very good idea at the time as there was no guarantee Sir Richard was be of ANY help if things went bad and St. Rutger was far to absorbed in his own mission for a rainbow strawberry milkshake to be of much use either. “I know of a place where all our dream quests can be made true, “ claims Sir Richard. “St. Rutger and I found it after a debauched afternoon in a German Beerhouse. You won’t be disappointed.”

And so the remaining travellers walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked (you get the idea…) until the came to an oasis called “The Navigator” and it indeed looked like a place Sir Richard and St. Rutger would find after a debauched afternoon in a German Beerhouse. But it did possess what each dream quest requires – ice cream, rainbow strawberry milkshakes, Pina Coladas (we already covered that Sir Richard is not a sane man..) and the holiest of grails - THE LATTE!!!!!! But all this came at a price – a steep price. As in paying more for these things than you would in Sweden (and in Bishkek that’s like paying $400 for a latte). But no one cared. It was a full moon and our Adventuress had been lulled into believing there would be intelligent conversation…

After many insults were thrown by Sir Richard and Lady Diane it came time to settle the tab before our travellers where banned for life from another country. And it was then that our Adventuress found out she had just achieved her greatest quest – that of consuming the most expensive latte ever. For whist relieving herself, Lady Diane had dropped her velvet trousers a tad too low and her magical pocket of protection lost its magical properties. “This is how it starts…!” bellowed Sir Richard. St. Rutger was useless now that he was jacked up on rainbow sprinkles and ice cream. Lady Diane began to cry. Her tiramisu had already broken her bank and now the latte PLUS Obi Wan KENobi’s treasury!!!

“Don’t be upset,” said the Adventuress as she put her arm around Lady Diane, “Obi Wan KENobi only has to work .005ths of a second to make $10. Plus it will make for a good travel story on the Silk Road.”

Lady Diane wipes the tears from her eyes “I just don’t want you to think I pocketed the money for myself.”

Sir Richard lights up a fire stick and puts it to his lips.

“She’s all class, this one.”

And that is how a weary traveller came upon the most expensive latte ever and some ok conversation.