The Lazy Cherub Enigma: Hurray for Bollywood!

October 6, 2015

So about those overnight trains in India…

Bundi to Mumbai was our first of many overnight trains and let me say that travelling in this manner is a real eye opener. All we had to prepare us for what was to come was our overnight train experience in Vietnam (gross) and my fantasy of India train travel from “The Darjeeling Express.” I’ll save you the suspense:

It is not the Orient Express. So break out your body condom, suck it up and enjoy the ride.

I had done some research into overnight trains and we did come somewhat prepared – own travel pillow and sheet. I had thought we would be staying in enclosed cabins of four beds in bunk style with a latched door. Clearly, I was delusional with that thought. You share a car with 30 people. On one side are compartments of 4 beds with a curtain and the other side is single beds with a curtain for personal privacy. Not that it matters, the chai wallahs and snack vendors who run up and down the aisle ALL THE TIME yelling CHAI or CHAPATI will just rip open you curtain just to make sure you don’t want anything. So will random travellers looking to see if, on the off chance, there is a “spare bed” to take over. You are given a package with 2 clean sheets and a towel. Presumably the pillow and its pillowcase are “clean” but that is a crap shoot since the pillows (unlike the sheets) are left on the train even for day trip use so its highly probable someone has already use it for a nap. And don’t take off the case and ask for a new one. Seriously. Just don’t. Once that pillow has been seen it cannot be unseen… You also get a heavier army blanket in case you get cold. That blanket has probably been on the train since 1942 and not been washed since.

Next stop: Mumbai! Bollywood Capital of the World! Home of the richest and the poorest people on the planet! A CITY THAT HAS STARBUCKS!!! I love Mumbai. It is crazy, dirty, glamorous, historical and everything you expect from India. Where else are you going to find “Gyneworld – Doctor for all issues of the ladies” right next to a high-end bookstore with yes – a coffee bar! Everything you need and ever want is here. For example: right across the street from our hotel was a movie theatre that was showing “Everest” in 3D. We had passed on the true Bollywood movie experience in Jaipur so this would be the next best thing – with Josh Brolin.

Let me say you have not had a Hollywood movie experience until you have had one in India.

For starters, when I say 3D it is not IMAX. We’re talking 1950’s with the cardboard glasses 3D. Before the move begins you stand and sing the national anthem. Throughout the movie people get up and down all the time. All…the..time. People get up and stand or pace the aisle and talk on their phone (which is better than an actual Bollywood theatre where you just talk on the phone in your seat.) At exactly the half way mark, the movie just shuts off and there is an announcement for a 15-minute intermission. That was weird since it was the moment in the movie where everyone was just about to summit Everest and were held up by needless delays. Come back, movie restarts, we get to “that part” in the movie where it’s clear there is no happy ending. People just get up and leave. The movie isn’t even over! I mean, what’s the point if there are no big dance numbers where everyone falls in love? Movie ends with Ken and I bawling and in absolute awe of all things mountaineering while Indian moviegoers were like: “That was so stupid. It’s Doug’s fault everyone died” followed by the retired police officer in our group saying, “Yeah people need to realize you have to leave people behind. There’s no point saving someone who deserves to die.”

Note to self: Do not attempt an Everest summit with a retired police officer or a lover of Bollywood movies.

I loved wandering Mumbai. It’s a city I wish I could come and spend a week or two renting an old colonial apartment and exploring all day and all night. There is so much juxtaposition – ostentatious wealth along with appalling living conditions made famous in Slumdog Millionaires. Although it was offered, I could not bring myself to do a slum tour. I already had a healthy dose of reality the day before. As we made out way into an Apple retailer to replace a fried charger, a homeless man begged another in an expensive suit to give him his newspaper. He tossed it to him and hurried on. There on the street in full view of everyone this poor naked soul used the newspaper to relieve his bowels so as not to soil the sidewalk. I sat in that air-conditioned store averting my gaze knowing full well Gandhi was looking down on all of this unamused. The first world problem of being able to recharge your iPad became a humiliating experience in recognizing one’s privilege. There are many things I do not take for granted and yet, there are many, many more in which I do. I suppose that is why we travel – to remind ourselves that we have so much more than we care to admit. And to humble us into recognizing what is truly important and what perhaps is simply entitlement dressed up to hide the greed.

Another 13 hour overnight train with diseased pillows and over zealous chai sellers and then we are in Goa!

Goa – That magical place that every adventure traveller dreams about. That place of idyllic beaches, palm trees, and unbridled hedonism that only costs you $10 a day (even less if you sleep on the beach.) You all have heard of it. You all want to come and see it. You all just KNOW it is everything you ever wanted in a beach holiday in an undeveloped third world country.

And its not. Goa is just a series of dirty unpaved streets lined with shacks that sell booze and give shitty tattoos to people who have drank that booze. The beach is just a bunch of local guys letching about waiting for some tourist to show up in a bathing suit. The rip tide will kill you so don’t even think about swimming. On the plus side, the beach has cows that like to take morning swims. (Did you know a cow could swim? I didn’t.) Starting in November, Russian tourists swarm the place and judging from the “rule book” in our hotel room – things get pretty intense. Hotels will fine you $10,000 rupee for the following infractions:

Getting tattoo ink and/or blood on sheets or towels
Bringing unregistered guests into your room
Bringing alcohol into your room
Bringing ANYTHING into your room that was not there before you checked in.
DO NOT PUT OUTSIDE ITEMS IN FRIDGE (yes this is written in very large letters on the bar fridge in your room and yes, they will check.)
Do not use pool tables for learning. If you rip the felt, spill drinks or blood on felt you will be fined $100,000 rupee. (I have no idea what happens if you manage all three (which I am sure has occurred.) In that case, I think you are simply taken out to a rice field and shot right after you’ve given up your ATM card and PIN.

I shouldn’t be too hard on Goa. For one, we never did make it to the part where the high-end hotels are suppose to reside so who knows, maybe it really is paradise. And to be fair, if I was under 25, this probably would be the best place ever to crash and lose a week's worth of memory. I did have the best Indian food so far at the “Electric Cat” – a dirt floor/thatch roof establishment that boasts “Best Selection of Cocktails Ever” in Russian and in English. The 15-page drinks menu is a testament to ingenuity in all things alcohol related. Ah those were the days….