The Lazy Cherub Enigma: I...hate...trains...

October 25, 2015

I am so done with trains.

The latest in our riding the rails reality tour was a 13-hour DAY train to Visakhapatnam. This meant a 5 am start time – YES A 5 AM START TIME – to drive 2 hours to get to the station for a 10 am departure. Having to be packed and ready to leave by 5 am is abusive but that was nothing compared to the train.

This…was…hell…

It was a 2-tier car, which is a sleeper car. Good, I am thinking, I can sleep my way through this ordeal. Nope. Not going to happen. There is no sleep when you have food and chai vendors running up and down the aisles all the time yelling out what they are selling. Then there was the extremely loud talker beside me who was on his cell phone the entire time (no exaggeration) yelling to whoever was on the other end. 13 hours with some a-hole yelling into his cellphone. 13 hours of people yelling what they have for sale. 13 hours of lying in a top bunk that if I pulled the curtain was like being in a coffin (no windows no light). I just lay there and sobbed for the first 6 hours. Then I screamed at cell phone dude to SHUT UP!! STOP TALKING!! He just pulled his curtain closed and kept talking. I just hate my life right now…

By the time we get to Visakhapatnam and into our hotel it is 11 pm. Everyone is beyond exhausted because we have had 2 back to back inhumane early start days and we will be having another one tomorrow. People are sick – including our guide. I am ready to go postal because I AM SO DONE WITH SHITTY TRAINS (figuratively and literally). One of our Christian group members asks me, “So how was your ride?” (Because we were also all in separate cars.) “Fucking awful” I yell and grab my bags and head off to my room. As I pass the guide he begins to tell me what we are doing tomorrow. “Just stop talking,” I yell, “I do not want to hear any talking or anything about doing anything. I AM DONE!” Nugget of enlightenment I gained from this portion of the trip: Early mornings, sleep deprivation and constant noise does not make me a nice rational human being. Next trip: Deserted Island with lots of books and no trains.

Yeah so about India…

It is unbearably hot, it’s humid, and the train thing gets old real quick. If I had to do this all over again I would have waited until November (or later) to come AND I WOULD NOT DO TRAINS. Maybe a few trains like Shimla but after that I would hire an air-conditioned limo or ride a camel or walk barefoot from point A to B. JUST NO MORE TRAINS.

To make matters worse, these next two destinations – Visakhapatnam and Puri are really just “breaks” to make our way to Kolkata. There is really not anything of actual interest in these two towns. But India being India, you can always find something weird and wonderful to do. Take Visakhapatnam. You can start your day at the 11^th century Simhachalam Temple. In order to get in, you relinquish all your worldly possessions (camera, cellphones, shoes, socks) and then walk the Foot Melting Asphalt Pathway of Redemption to the temple itself. Walking being operative since you are either going to run to avoid 3^rd degree burns on your feet or just bail like some of our group did and go have ice cream. Once inside you are greeted with electric fans to cool you down and cold marble to cool your soles. If you get there early enough you can witness an actual Hindu ceremony where the priests ring bells and burn incense, chant a bunch, and then come around with a pot of fire for you to wave your hands through. Then you get a sip of holy water and a handful of sweet ghee goodness to put in your mouth. After that you are shooed out to run the Burning Asphalt Barefoot Marathon again but this time you exit through the Holy Cow Gazebo. This is an actual gazebo with actual Brahman bulls for you to touch for blessings. And yes, you are still barefoot in all the cow dung and urine. It’s India. Shit happens.

After the temple, head on up to Kailasagiri Hill. To get there, board the cable car of death and hope your Hindu prayers have been answered because this panoramic ride has definitely seen better days. If you reach the top alive you can head on over to the “Titanic” and recreate that famous Leo and Kate scene over the Bay of Bengal. To escape the inferno of the day you can ride the toy train with zero points of interest stops but who cares! – IT HAS BLASTING AC!! After that, hike up to the ginormous Shiva and Parvati statues where Parvati’s “ample attributes” draw many young admirers for selfies. On your way back into town you could stop at the Submarine Museum and climb into the “Kurusa”- a 91 meter long navy submarine used in the 1971 Liberation War. (Again – you need to do your own risk assessment on this one – submarine maintenance isn’t a high priority in these parts.) Then top it all off with a sunset view of the enormous mountains of coal ready to be loaded on anticipating tankers in the bay. Visakhapatman does have, by the way, “The World’s Longest Coal Conveyor Belt.” You can see it weaving its way through town like a metal python twisting into its prey.

Next Stop: Puri.

Puri is one of the holiest pilgrimage places in India which means unless you really are Hindu, you are not getting anywhere near the temple. Which was fine for us because by this point on the trip Ken was deathly ill (flu) and I was so exhausted I had zero interest in ever leaving my bed. In the 1970’s, Puri was famous on the “Hippie Trail’ for it’s long, laid back beaches and “bhang”. Today you would be hard pressed to see a foreigner on the beach except those making the “circuit” needing time to recharge. There really isn’t much here – particularly with regard to eating establishments. Lonely Planet really talked up the “Honey Bee Bakery and Pizzeria” so I dragged Ken and myself there for lunch. The place itself is nothing to look at – just a shabby little café next to more shabby stores and shabbier cafes. Coffee was actually pretty decent and the pizza went down easy. When we got back to our cheap seedy hotel we found it packed with middle-aged men in white shirts and ties. We think it was some company retreat because down in the basement they were holding seminars. Who knows? Maybe it was Indian Amway. Later that night, they turned the roof top into a really bad disco party – all men, way too much booze and no concept of how to play a song to its end before starting another one. In the morning the pipes exploded (literally) and flooded the place. Thankfully we were checking out so lack of showers and sewage wasn’t a concern.

That’s because it was time to re-board another crazy train.

AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGG NNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!