Beijing for Neophytes

Just 7 days until the adventure and that means getting some tips on what to do with our time in Beijing.  I've already decided I want to be a pretentious  high end mall rat with Ai Wei Wei since temperatures this time of year are  a billion degrees Celsius with 100% humidity.  And yes, I will do an interpretive dance  number in Tianaman Square wearing my "Party T-Shirt" and rosary beads.  But what about the rest of our stay?  What are some of the highlights and things to avoid?

Around the time people knew we were heading to China the North American media picked up on a story regarding a culinary festival that happens every summer.  What made this festival noteworthy was what is cooked for three days and let me say, it isn't tofu.  It's dog.  Lots of dog.  Lots, and lots of dog.  This meant that everyone (and their dog!) wanted to know if we were going to THAT festival (the answer is NO).  Any time you go to an Asian country, the first thing people want to do is remind you of all the insects and domestic house pets served  at meal time.  Thankfully our well travelled friend Martha set us straight:

"Cat and dog meat are really expensive so unless you go to a high end restaurant, you won't find it on the menu.  If you eat off the street (we hope that means food cart and not literally.  Martha is very literal...) you should be fine.  Or you can just eat at KFC."

Well that settles it - the Michelin 5 Star dining extravaganza is out as is the "Anthony Bourdain after too much Bourbon" food tour.

Another bit of advice came from the Good Doctor's mother:

"If someone gets in a car accident or hit by a car don't help them.  Just ignore them.  If you help they will sue you because they need money to pay their medical bills."

 To clarify, this had to do with a story a few years back where a young child was hit by a car (or rather - cars) and  - supposedly - no one helped for fear of being sued.  The Good Doctor did his Spock-like best to reassure his mother that there was no logical reason for this concern.  This unfortunate event occurred in a part of China we are not visiting and involved locals not tourists. He was sternly rebuked with:

"You are Chinese! If anyone finds our you are a doctor they will deliberately throw themselves in front of a car to have an accident so they can sue you!"

So from this point on, the Good Doctor has ceased to exist and in his place will be "Asian Looking Dude Who Just Tells You to Walk It Off if you're Bleeding Internally."

In summary, here is what we need to know in Beijing:

1. If you want to be sure of what you eat just eat Pringles.
2. When in China the Hippocratic Oath is 100% non-applicable

No dogs were harmed in the creating of this blog!